is loving someone the same as changing yourself?

 "to be loved is to be understood"

one of the quotes that pop up in pinterest the minute you search for "quotes about love". the question is, how much of being understood is to be loved? is it sufficient if they know my favourite drink? or is it necessary for them to know every detail about me? 

what if they know you well enough to not wake you up on your cranky days, to ensure there's two more pieces of your favourite brownies left in the microwave, to know what you would order on days where your happy and days you are barely yourself, but, they don't know how to show you their efforts, bring those flowers you once mentioned in a conversation and not listen to your type of artists. what if?

that brings us to our main question, is loving someone the same as changing yourself? to be fair and honest, i don't think that loving someone is equivalent to changing yourself, unless they want you to change yourself completely. because, when one asks you to change yourself completely, they are barely in love with you - they are in love with that future version of you that doesn't even exist. 

coming back to our point, loving someone in a way they want to be loved is not the same as changing yourself. it's about learning to love them. learning to love them in a way where they feel comfortable and safe. imagine that your partner likes words of affirmation, and you are not the best person when it comes to expressing yourself. but, somehow, you manage to make that change and learn words of affirmation.

now, have you changed yourself? not necessarily. you've adopted a way in which they feel safe. learning new stuff and changing parts of you is never the same as completely changing yourself. you can draw a boundary between being yourself, and being able to learn ways in which your loved one feels safe. ofcourse this isn't one way, and must be a give and take policy. 


coming to our first question, there is no value in which being understood can be defined, it comes with time, love, repsect and gratitude. if they are your person and understand you in a way which makes you feel seen, there, that's your measure. 


hope u liked what u read,

very impulse write tho

with love, chai. 

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